i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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