i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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