Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
