I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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