one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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