well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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