i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
