There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I AM VODKA MAN
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
