3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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