found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
