Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize