if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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