At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize