we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We don't watch enough power rangers
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
