it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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