I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize