What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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