Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
