this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
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