life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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