Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
