somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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