your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
