Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
