I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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