It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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