I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
