Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
