I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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