i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
