I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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