just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish they made helmets for livers.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
