Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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