I got chris browned last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
