i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
