i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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