so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
