I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
