I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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