I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Please don't give away my fajitas
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