She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
