While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
