The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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