who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
