When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
