I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
