Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
