I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
