I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
