Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you didnt know i had herpes?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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