You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
