somebody snuck up and got me drunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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