Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
