yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
