OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize