he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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