It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
