i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
