the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
