oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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