I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
