nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
