so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
